What Do Robert A Heinlein, Harlan Ellison, Chicks With Whips, Edgar Rice Burroughs, SF Sex Slave Babes, John Carter, File 770, SFSignal, Bill the SciFiGuy, Ian Sales, Flags on SF Magazine Covers and a few other things, have in common?
16. Jan, 2009 
8 Comments
They’re all subjects of my most ‘popular’ posts.
Just for fun, I’m going to attempt to place all of the topics that have generated the most traffic on my blog into one post. Here goes:
Edgar Rice Burroughs, Robert A Heinlein and Harlan Ellison were sitting around at the club one day. The topic turned to one of Edgar’s most enduring characters – John Carter of Mars. Burrough’s remarked that he thought Carter’s popularity was due to the fact that he was just a plain old good guy that nearly every adolescent boy could identify with. Ellison broke in and said “No way! Kids these days don’t read and have no idea who John Carter is – puerile idiots!”
Heinlein, who’d gotten used to Harlan’s outbursts over the years said “Shut up you commie-pinko bleeding heart liberal. Carter is popular because he’s a REAL man! He knows how to use a sword and I bet he wouldn’t be caught dead in the kitchen. Speaking of women – weren’t there supposed to be a bunch of XXX sex-slaves here today?”
Meanwhile, over in the library, John from SFSignal, Johne from RayGun Revival and Mike from File 770 were perusing the list of 150+ Classic Science Fiction writers. “Man”, said one of them, “That guy Ian Sales sure doesn’t know what he’s missing! These guys are CLASSIC!” “Yeah,” the others agreed, “And they wrote real science fiction, not that scifi stuff”, they said in unison.
“I heard that!” said Bill the SciFi Guy from somewhere deep in the bowels of the stacks.
Fred Kiesche walked into the club, saw that Harlan was haranguing everyone and beat a hasty retreat to the library. After catching his breath, he said “Where’s the collection of top science fiction pulp magazines? I need some pictures of SF cover babes with whips, the best spaceship images or flags in space – preferably scenes that re-create the raising on Iwo Jima! David Drake is doing research for his next magnum opus!”
“They’re in the back with all the other graying, old, non-relevant, out-dated and politically incorrect stuff,” said Glyer.
“Speaking of which,” said one of the John(e)s, “You know the Hugos are completely irrelevant these days.”
“What the heck does that have to do with anything?” asked Fred.
The phone rang. “Hello. This is Ian Sales calling from across the pond. Publishers over here don’t even bother putting Hugo mentions on the covers of books anymore. That’s why they’re irrelevant. Cheers!”
“Oh, I get it now,” said Fred. “We’re in one of those parallel universes getting all mixed up kind of thingies – like A. Bertram Chandler wrote, or Bob’s The Number of the Beast.”
The phone rang again. Glyer picked it up, listened for a few minutes and then hung up. “That was Kevin Standlee from the mailing list THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED, the WSFS mark protection committee and that SFAwards website. He said he thought the Hugo’s were still relevant. He also said that if we sell this story, we’re going to have to get an ok to use ‘Hugo Award’ in it.”
The door to the club opened once more. In walked Steve, the Crotchety Old Fan. He studied the scene carefully for a few minutes, a puzzled expression on his face.
“Hey, you guys in the library, get the hell in here!” he shouted.
Everyone shuffled into the drawing room, joining Bob and Edgar and Harlan (who was still saying something about naked emporers).
“Shut up Harlan”, he said. (This is, of course, the only way I’d ever be able to say that to Ellison and make it stick…)
The door of the club opened again. In stepped Joe, another old fart. “Got your back Steve,” he said, ostentatiously waving Dr. Mossberg, the shotgun, around.
“Thanks Joe.
“You have to go, Harlan. Bob belongs because he’s been talked about so much. Edgar and John Carter because Bob mentioned them in The Number of the Beast. Chandler because both Fred and I like his work. Drake because Fred appears in one of his stories. Glyer ’cause he keeps on linking to me, Johne ’cause he keeps posting comments, John ’cause SFSignal links (but not often enough John – you’re on notice) and cause Fred writes for him sometimes, Bill because despite his moniker he reads good stuff, Standlee get’s in anytime he wants because of all his hard work, Sales isn’t actually here so we don’t have to worry about him, and Joe, well, he’s got the shotgun, but you, Harlan, you’re only here parenthetically.
“Besides, I need your chair for Scalzi.”
It’s all true. I peruse like nobody’s business. I’m a big fat peruser. I may be the biggest peruser.
Of course, it could be the ADD.
Sorry, what was the question?
I thought that ABC story that Harlan was holding had finally appeared. Or maybe not. The neurons do fire a little less frequently, especially when I contemplate Mount Toberead.
I fell into a black hole and it spit me out here….
Oh, and I forgot to mention that there’s some kind of supposed famous contretemp that occurred between Robert and the terrible one…
LOL.
Fred – the intertwinings for virtually everyone in there are so spaghettified I’d still be writing if I tried to list them all: Harlan is still holding an A. Bertram Chandler story, for example…and I’m reading Stross’s Saturn’s Children, which is a send up of RAH’s Friday, that was seriously flogged by Scalzi – and it goes on and on.
If the multiverse does exist, anyone able to experience it will be insane…
Didn’t RAH loan Harlan money at one point? Or was that PK Dick? In either case, I think they’d get along more than not.
As for Drake, sure, I appear in an upcoming book. But he was in the Cav, I was a tanker, he was a Spc. 5, I was a Sergeant, so the links go along those lines.
Good posting. Just glad I didn’t have any liquids in the process of being consumed while reading!
I’d NEVER point a gun at Harlan, but it was worth a chuckle.
(And Dr Mossberg hasn’t been out of his safe in years.)
Ha. Not sure I’m all that keen on being mentioned in the same sentence as Harlan Ellison, “SF Sex Slave Babes”, or “Chick with Whips”, but I’m in good company with John Carter, ERB, SFSignal, and Bill. I might even be nice to Heinlein, if he sits quietly in the corner