FREE FICTION, FILE 770, IO9 AND STAR WARS

The LIST THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED (SMOFs for the uninitiated) has been having a, ummm, lively (yeah, that’s the ticket, lively) discussion of ‘waivers of liability’, privacy rights, ownership and digital recording.

Considering that part of this discussion touches on issues that I am personally (and majorly) concerned with – enough so to have written a story devoted to the subject (one that has so far received two rejection slips) – I’ve decided to make that story available here. It’s called ‘Masker Aid’ and details one person’s solution to the ever-growing invasions of personal privacy. You can find it at the end of this post.

But before you get to that:

Mike Glyer over at File 770 has once again tweaked me, this time suggesting that I am such a traffic-whore that I’ll do anything to increase my hits – including stooping as low as criticising Star Wars on the basis of its lack of science fictionalness.

I’m not that cheap. In fact, I think Star Wars is emminently science fictiony and to suggest otherwise is to deny such things as the appearance in the (septology?) as Asimov’s robots, Herbert’s dunes and sandworms, Piper’s Little Fuzzies, Alex Raymond’s swords&blasters in space, Forbidden Planet’s Krell city, Niven’s and Robinson’s and (?)’s inter-species watering holes, Schomburg’s and DiFate’s and Gaughn’s and Freas’ Astounding Stories spaceship covers, Pournelle’s legions, Star Trek’s genetic supermen, Heinlein’s the-mother-thing (think Yoda) Smith and Hamilton and Brackett’s galactic sweep, Asimov’s world-girdling cities and a host of other author’s and artist’s contributions to the canon since at least the 1930s. Of course, if Mike had challenged me to discuss Star Wars’ lack of originality, flattery of the genre, that would be another thing entirely.

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I have not been stingy with my criticism(s) of IO9 in the past. I know that this blog and my website are not anywhere close to the brightest stars in the science-fiction-on-the-web galaxy, but over the past eight months I have managed to get picked up by (on a somewhat regular basis) most of the other blogs/websites that do “burn so brightly” – including BoingBoing, SFSignal, Whatever, File 770 and the aforementioned IO9.

I therefore find it indicative of the mindset(?), culture(?) over at that site that they linked to me on a couple of occassions prior to my criticism, and not once since – despite the fact that they have covered a couple of items that originally appeared here.

I’m not suggesting that they ’stole’ stories – anything that’s appeared here (other than original content) has appeared in many other locations, either before or after I mentioned them, depending on the breaks. I’m not even suggesting that if I cover something, they MUST mention me in their coverage of that subject.

What I am suggesting is that, like some other websites serving other communities, IO9 seems to think that the world revolves around them and that by turning a blind eye to someone who has been critical of them, they can somehow deny their existence. This is exactly the same thing that a 6 year old does when they close their eyes, stop up their ears and pretend that someone they don’t like isn’t there because they can no longer see or hear them. And about as effective.

Just for giggles, I’m going to try it myself. MMMMMMmmmmmmmHHH! MMMMmmmmmHHHH! Darn. Nope, IO9 is still there.

The internet doesn’t work that way (neither does reality).

Today, Neil Gaiman expressed his own criticism of IO9’s practices. (Yes, it did make me happy to see that I am not alone.)

Neil’s focus was their attempt to create news via internally-generated rumor, while mine has generally focused on their barker-like “look at the freaks geeks!, look at the freaks geeks!” view of the industry.

I’m relatively easy to ignore. I’ll be interested to see if Neil receives the same treatment. For some reason, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

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Masker Aid

I was running so late for work that I almost left the apartment nude.? Fortunately I?d left Frankenstein hanging by the door, so I grabbed him and headed on down to the street.?

???? When I got outside I noticed the nudes were running just under fifty percent.? Good thing.? I always do a little street polling first thing in the morning. When you?re the father of a cultural phenomena, you like to keep track of how your baby is doing, and baby was doing just fine.

???? I headed off towards the office and stepped into the first blind I came to.? The apartment I?d rented had been chosen for its proximity.? I?d been so rushed leaving I hadn?t had time to double-up, and I?d arrived home last night as the Monster.?

?Don?t be the same when you arrive and depart, its not playing the game, its not even smart? ? some wag had posted the silly doggerel on one of the community boards.? Amazing what people will come up with.? Bad rhyme, but it worked.?

Fortunately I didn?t have long to wait for a trade.? Unfortunately, it was for Betty Boop.? ?See ya,? I said.? ?Wouldn?t wanna be ya,? the traditional response came back.? Frank headed off and I continued on to the office.

When I got outside the entrance it was a mob scene.? Word had spread that a decision might be coming down today.? I knew most of the reporters, pundits and talking heads.? They were easy to recognize ? every single one of them went nude.? Traitors.? How can you expect balanced coverage when every single reporter is so obviously with the enemy?? (Not that you should expect fair reporting anyways..)? Even if no one recognized me in Betty, there was just no way to force my way through that mob to the entrance.

I headed around behind the building to use the service entrance.? One of the traitors must have seen me and gotten suspicious as a couple of enterprising souls took off after me. I picked up the pace, flashing the daily high sign to George at the rear door.? At least I assumed it was George – Gorillas are pretty common.? No matter.? Whoever it was opened up long enough to pass me through and slam the door in my pursuers? faces.

?I stopped inside to catch my breath.?

?Good morning to ya, Sir.? Mr. Jones, ah presume??

?Yes, Mr. ahhh, Smith?? I queried, looking up at maybe George.? The height and girth of the guard was a pretty good giveaway, a good match for the Gorilla, but the whole point is to never be sure, right?

?Yes Sir, Sam.? It?s George.? You shore do look purty this morning if I do say so myself.?

George was quick at recognizing a voice and a build, personal body language, the way someone walked. He tried to be personable too and despite his occupation, he fit in well at the company.?? ?Knock it off, George.? I didn?t have time to double-up this morning.? You want a date, I think you?re going to be mighty disappointed.?

?Ho ho ho? George laughed his deep rumble.? ?You have a good day, Sir.?

?See ya George? I threw over my shoulder as I headed up the back stairs.

?I most DEFINITELY wouldn?t want to be YOU? George answered.

?Ha ha? I said.? I was definitely going to have to lose Betty when I got to my office.?

Once I stepped through the Masker Aid office door Sharon was waiting for me.? I took Betty off and handed her over.? ?Here, you can probably make better use of this than me? I said.

Sharon?s nose wrinkled with distaste.? She took the mask and held it delicately between two fingers, trying her best to minimize contact.? ?Ugh. Cartoon-Bimbo. According to Masks and Their Meanings, you aren?t taking anything seriously, you have an over-inflated opinion of your effect on the opposite sex or ? this one gets my vote ? you?re hoping to pick up a partner for some casual nookie.?? She arched her eyebrow.?

I started heading towards my office.? ?I?ll let you know when I get over-inflated.? Right now, I think I have a conference call in about thirty seconds.?? Sharon?s a great assistant.? She reads my mood in a heartbeat, nude or masked.? She dropped the banter and went right to work, giving me an update on everything that had happened so far this morning.

It was, fortunately, a typically uneventful morning.? Sales (not that I bothered with that stuff) were on track, usage was slightly up, Tim would be arriving in about an hour and the conference call with our attorneys was on schedule.

I didn?t need to ask her for a cup of coffee it was already on my desk.? So was the legal file.? I settled into my chair, took a long, satisfying, deep gulp of coffee and asked, ?Anything else??

She was standing at the door, half in and half out of the office.? ?Other than the fact that I?ve got too much to do, I have to leave early to take my kid to the doctors and I can?t wait to hear what the shysters have to say, no.? If you?re not going to ravish me right here right now, I?m going to get back to work.?

I smiled and looked down at my lap.? ?Nope, I?m still under-inflated.? The ravishing will have to wait.? And I can?t wait to find out what the shysters have to say either, but Sharon, its not nice to refer to them as shysters.? They?re our lawyers.? Shysters is the epithet we reserve for the bad guys.?

She pouted and then licked her lips at me, turned around and left.? Our pseudo-affair never had and never would amount to anything.? Flirting was just a good way to get the morning over with.? I?ve never been a morning person.? Which reminded me that I still had a cup of coffee to drink.

Looking at the legal file sitting on my desk reminded me of how ironic the whole situation was.? Here I was, Chief Troublemaker and Head of the Machiavelli Department for Masker Aid Inc. (that?s an official title, by the way) all because I?d gotten pissed off at a news article one un-fine morning not too long ago.

It all started because it?s never a good idea for me to read or watch the news right after I wake up.? I Hate-the-World because I?ve just been forced to come back to it. The news just confirms my beliefs about every evil, nasty, brutish and cruel thing people do to each other.?

The morning in question was a pretty bad one.? It was early November, it was cold and gray and wet outside, I was between jobs (working a crappy one, looking for one not so bad) and the news anchor announced in a cheery, happy tone that the number of surveillance cameras in the city had just exceeded the number of people living there.

He seemed to think that this was a very good thing; this being watched everywhere and all the time.? He praised the increased security it provided for the citizenry, and opined that it wouldn?t be long before there was a camera for every pet too.

?I?ll bet you can?t wait until there?s one pointed at your crapper you scum,? was my first response to the screen.? I yelled at him for quite a while. I quoted Ben Franklin at him, pointing out the futility of trading security for freedom. I assured him that governmental safequards against abuse were as trustworthy as a hooker that offered to hold onto your wallet. I then discussed his sexual proclivities, or complete lack thereof, for a while.? By the time I wound down the news was over.

I?m not a nut or a conspiracy freak. I don?t wear an aluminum foil hat to protect my brain from spy beams.? What I am is practical and realistic in a misogynistic kind of way.? If you give a person a little power, they?re going to use it to get more.? When it comes to individuals there are some natural breaks on bad behavior ? like other people out for their own power.? Governments aren?t people though, even if they are run by them.? Governments are soulless juggernauts who?s only purpose is to roll over, crush and absorb anything and everything it can, for the sole reason that it can.

I?m not some wild-eyed anarchist either.? People need governments of one kind or another. The need seems to be instinctual, maybe it?s even genetic.? Probably something to do with evolving from pack animals.?

The problem occurs when this necessary evil begins to get out of hand. especially when it does so in an almost painless manner, like slow-boiling a frog so it doesn?t jump out of the pot.

I guess I?m the kind of frog that jumps before the water starts to boil.? That smarmy little news piece stayed with me all day.? When I walked down the street, I could feel myself being watched.? Like I was being groped by a greasy octopus.? I thought about it all day and was still fuming when I left for home.?

It?s not unusual for me to go on a rant.? It is unusual for me to actually do something about it.? This time was different though.? Straw.? Camel. ?Break.? Like that.

On the way home from work I passed one of those stores that specializes in holiday nick-nacks; plastic grass for Easter, fake snow for Christmas, spider webs for Halloween.? They were taking down the graveyard display when I passed by and on impulse I stepped inside and asked to see the manager.

Twenty minutes later I was walking home with two large boxes stuffed with unsold Halloween masks bought at discount rates.

The rest of that night I worked out my plan, checked a few esoteric and seemingly unconnected things on the net and drew up a sign with a large red magic marker on the back of a movie poster I pulled out of its frame.? I only got a few hours of sleep.

In the morning I called in sick to work, fixed up a thermos of coffee, bundled up in several layers, grabbed my boxes of masks, a small folding table, the sign, and headed off to Little Baghdad, the Muslim section of town.

I?d chosen Little Baghdad to start my campaign because the people there were a lot more accustomed to masks than most people.? I also figured that as a general rule, a large portion of them would be more sensitive to government surveillance than the average sheep and I was counting on the fact that they were reluctant to involve the police in anything.

I?m not now the Head of the Machiavelli Department for nothing.

I was looking for a well-trafficked corner and I found one outside of Muhammed?s Tea Shop.? I went inside and cut a deal with the owner.? He was a little reluctant at first. He was still reluctant after I?d explained what I was going to be doing.? He was enthusiastic after he?d spoken to Benjamin Franklin.? He spoke to him several times.

I can?t say I blame him for closing for the day.? Like I said, I was counting on the community reluctance to get involved.? He did give me written permission to park my table in front of his store though.? He?d probably made more that day by being closed than he did by being open a whole week.

I set up my folding table, poured myself a cup of coffee from the thermos, ostentatiously selected several masks from one of the boxes, laid them out on the table and propped up the sign against Muhammed?s door.

In very large, very red letters, the sign said: FREE MASKS for FREE PEOPLE.

Well, it was my first day and I was still figuring things out.? The signage did eventually get better.

For about the first two hours I stood on that corner, stamping my feet, sipping coffee, watching the people go by and wondering why the hell I hadn?t brought a chair.? Then I spent some time trying to figure out how I was going to carry the chair along with everything else tomorrow.? Then I thought about whether I?d be doing this tomorrow.? Then I settled in and just people watched.

? Little Baghdad is just like every other section of the city, except that its ethnic profile runs towards a middle-eastern, Muslim majority.? Just like Little Jerusalem has more Jews, Little Havana has more Cubanos, Little Tokyo more Japanese.?

?The tone is middle-American city.? The window dressing is Islamic.? Mosques instead of Churches.? Veils instead of Kimonos.?

Most of the inhabitants talk, dress and look like everyone else.? Okay, maybe you?ll notice more swarthy individuals than you?ll see elsewhere, if you pay attention to such things, but I generally don?t.

?I did see a decent number of veiled women, which under the current circumstances was a good thing.? It meant I was in the right place.

Just about the time I was beginning to think that I was wasting my time, a group of teenagers sauntered over and started checking me out.

?Yo, so? said the obvious leader of this pack. ?What?re you doing here?? You make Muhammed close??

I looked him and his crew over carefully.? They weren?t looking for trouble, just marking time, looking for something less boring to do than wandering up and down the street.

?No? I said.? ?Muhammed decided to close after I rented the sidewalk from him.?

?Huh? said the leader.?

?So, yo, what are you sellin?? he asked.

?Nothing? I said.? ?I?m giving away freedom.? Free Freedom, right here.? Step right up and get some.?

The situation was strange enough to catch him off guard, which gave me an opening to launch into my spiel.? I pointed up over his shoulder at a corner of a building across the street.? ?Do you see that?? I asked him.

He and his buddies craned their heads around, following my finger.

?What?? they all asked at the same time.

?That camera up there.? I said.

?Yeah.? So??

?And how about that?? I asked again, pointing to a different camera on a different building. ?It doesn?t matter where you look,? I pointed out, ?they?re everywhere.? More than one for every man, woman and child in this city.? Almost one for every cat and dog.? Twenty-four hours a day they?re watching you, recording you, following you.? The people behind those cameras are keeping records of you ? where you go, who you?re seen with, the litter you drop, which hand you use to scratch your balls.?

?I said yeah, so what? their leader said.? ?I ain?t got nothing to hide.?

Hook taken, time to set.

?Oh, nothing to hide you say? ?So you wouldn?t mind me having a recording of you picking your nose then I guess??

One of his mates chimed in.? ?He don?t mind, he does that all the time.?

?Okay, bad example.? I smiled to relieve any tension.

?Mphm.? How about we try this:? You?ve never done something that you don?t want anyone else to know about?? I don?t mean something illegal like underage drug use, just something you?d rather keep to yourself?

???? Leader was looking at me kind of blankly when his sidekick jumped in.? ?He?s seeing a Jewish girl.? His Father would disown him and his mother would kill him and her if they found out.?

???? ?Thanks. You always rat your friends out like that?? I asked.?? Everyone laughed.?

Sidekick, mildly defiant, said ?Maybe, but I don?t pick my nose in public.?? Everyone laughed again.? We were having a conversation now.

???? ?So you?re seeing this girl and your parents don?t approve, right??

???? Leader?s face went sheepish and he shuffled his feet, embarrassed. He shrugged his shoulders in assent. ?They?re still hung up on that religion stuff.?

???? ?There?s nothing illegal about you seeing her though, is there?? No law that says you can?t date who you want to as long as she?s old enough or not married to someone else, right??

???? He nodded.

???? ?So, if it?s perfectly legal, why do you want to keep it private?? Don?t answer.? I know why.? Because no one else needs to know, right?? Because if some people found out, even if its none of their business, they?re feelings would be hurt, right? Because keeping it private just makes things run smoother??

Leader was nodding and obviously getting the point.

?So I guess you do have something to hide.? Now suppose I told you that there?s a data record somewhere from one of those cameras that shows you and whatever her name is together.? I?ve got a copy of it and I?m going to email it to your Mother, just because I can. What?s your mothers? address by the way??? I grinned at him to show I was kidding.?

Sidekick pushed his way in again.? ?Can I have a copy? Those two get pretty busy you know.?

Leader took a swipe at Sidekick?s head.? Sidekick ducked and laughed, dancing away.

?If you did that I?d find you,? he said. He turned back to me. ?You couldn?t get a copy of that data anyways.?

I nodded.? ?You?re probably right, but someone has copies and who knows what they?ll decide to do with it.?

?The point is, they shouldn?t be allowed to have the data in the first place.? If they don?t have it, they can?t use it or abuse it. Let me ask you about your Mother.?

He glared at me but didn?t interrupt.? Leader was beginning to think about things now and was curious to see where I was going to go next.

?What did she do to you when you misbehaved?? Punished you, right?? Standing in the corner, getting grounded, no internet, maybe a spanking, right??

?Yeah. ?She was pretty strict.?

?Do you remember what she used to say to you when she thought you were about to get yourself in trouble?? Maybe she said something like ?I?m watching you? or ?I?ve got my eye on you????

?Uh-huh.? That?s exactly what she said.?

?Are you still a child??

?No.?

?Then why do you still need Mommy?s eye on you??

Enlightenment spread across Leader?s face.? The hook was set.? We talked for a while longer.? I extracted a promise from him and his mates that they could take any mask they wanted, so long as they wore them for at least an hour after leaving my table.? I suggested that they also find and stand under as many cameras as they could during that time, but didn?t make that mandatory.? When they left ? Donald Duck, a zombie, a former President and a current video star ? they were laughing and rough-housing clearly comfortable with what they were doing.? They were still wearing the masks when they turned a corner out of sight.

?I had my first maybe converts.? Getting teens on board was easy, as they?ll try anything they think is anti-establishment.? Now I had to work on an older generation.

I waited a while trying to keep blood circulating through my fingers by wrapping them around my coffee cup.? Lunchtime rolled around and the business person traffic increased.? A young man, wearing a natty overcoat and carrying a briefcase was approaching.? He looked relaxed and unrushed.? Probably a go-getter working on his first big deal. I stepped out into his path.

?Excuse me Sir, could I speak to you for a minute??

He ran a practiced eye over me and over the table, quickly and without breaking stride, assessing the likelihood that I was going to either attack him or hit him up for a donation.? He checked his watch and stopped.? He must have decided I was non-threatening, intriguing, or both.? ?What?s up?? he asked.

I stuck out my hand.? ?Sam Paine.? Nice to meet you.?

We shook and he offered ?Bill Richards? in return.

?Why don?t we step into my office Bill?? I said, leading him over to the table.? ?Want some coffee??

?Sure.? No charge, right?? he grinned.

?No charge Bill, as long as you?ll give me a couple of minutes.?? I took the second of the nested cups off the top of the thermos, opened it and poured for him.? He put his briefcase down and took the cup, blew into it for a second and then sipped.

?Hey! Pretty good coffee.?

?Yeah, its my own blend of Kona, Blue Mountain and Kenyan.? I?m something of a fiend.?

?I can tell.? So what?s the pitch??

?Before I get into that, would you mind putting your briefcase up on the table so I can go through it??

Bill?s expression made it clear that he had suddenly realized his assessment of me had been mistaken and probably thought he was about to become the latest victim of the dreaded and as-yet unpublicized mask-seller?s scam.

?He started to put the cup down, looking for an exit strategy.

?Don?t worry about it Bill.? I?m just trying to make a point. If you don?t want me to go through your briefcase, I?m not going to.? But tell me, why don?t you want me to??

Bill was still wary but my demeanor was relaxed and I wasn?t moving any closer to him.? He decided to ride the situation out, sighing to relax and taking another sip of my excellent coffee.

?Its business stuff.? Sales records, contracts. Private stuff.?

?Okay,? I said.? ?Private business stuff.? Anything illegal in there?? Un-prescripted drugs?? Kiddie Porn? Unregistered firearms??

?Noooo,? Bill said, reviewing the contents in his head just to make sure.? ?No.? Just private business stuff.?

?Good. And you want to keep it private because it?s worth money to your business.? You?re not doing anything illegal or immoral, just being a smart, sensible businessman.?

?That?s right? said Bill.? ?Gotta keep a leg up on the competition.?

?Right.?? I pointed up at the cameras on the building across the street again.? ?See those surveillance cameras up there??

Bill peered up from his sipping.? ?Umhmm?.

?Do you know what gives them the right to be there?? It?s because the courts have ruled that no one has an expectation of privacy in a public space.? You can look, I can look and THEY can look.? Anything we can see is fair game.

?So.? Put that briefcase up on the table and let me rifle through it.? No expectation of privacy, remember??

Bill swallowed.? ?I appreciate your point, but think you?re stretching it Sam.? I don?t have an expectation of privacy in a public place, that?s why I keep my papers in a closed briefcase.?

I nodded.? ?You are correct, Sir. So tell me, have you ever been arrested unjustly for a moving violation??

Bill grunted assent.? ?Sure, who hasn?t??

?And I just bet that the justification for pulling you over was some BS no one could prove was BS, like ?acting suspiciously?, right??

?Nailed it on the head? said Bill.

?Indulge me for just a second as I weave a chain of logic for you Bill.? Suppose that your unscrupulous business competitors ? the bastards – want to get at your secret information and they just happen to have some highly placed friends.

?Suppose those friends reach out and touch one of the folks who are monitoring those cameras up there.? Suppose you stop for lunch and decide to review your paperwork while eating.? You open your briefcase, take out your papers.? A few minutes later, you?re arrested for suspicion of something, because the guys watching the cameras called the police and reported seeing something illegal in your briefcase.? You get arrested, everything confiscated and they let you go a few annoying hours later.? Meanwhile, everything you were trying to keep secret has been copied.?

?I see you?re point? Bill said, ?But I still think it?s a little far-fetched.?

?Oh, I wasn?t done.? It?s worse than that.? They don?t need to go through all that rigmarole.? All they have to do is key in your face and wait for you to open up your briefcase.? Then they can just read over your shoulder.? As long as you?re in a public space, you ??

-?have no expectation of privacy? Bill finished for me.? ?I?m beginning to see your point.?? He gestured at the masks on the table.? ?How do these tie in??

?Glad you asked Bill.? I?m trying to encourage people to wear masks in public.? If they can?t tell who you are, there?s no point in watching you.? There?d be no way to tie you to your papers.? No way to identify who to keep track of.? No one to lay a BS suspicion charge on. ?If they can?t tell who?s who, they can?t use or abuse the information. It?s like putting your face inside your briefcase.?

?Hah! I like it.?

We talked for a few more minutes as Bill finished his coffee.? He said he was going to be a lot more careful about where and when he opened his briefcase from now on.? He also agreed to take a mask and wear it.? He selected a very hairy werewolf.? It seems that his female co-workers had dubbed him the office wolf and he figured he could have a little fun with it.?

He put the thermos cup down and pulled the mask over his head.? ?How do I look?? he asked, his voice slightly muffled.

?Like a werewolf in a business suit,? I said.? ?But you definitely don?t look like Bill.? Have fun with the girls!?

He laughed.? ?Oh, I will, I will.? This is going to be a hoot.??

We shook hands again and I was treated to the sight of a werewolf in a business suit and topcoat whistling a jaunty tune as he swung his briefcase on down the street.

I stood around for a while longer and had just about decided to start packing things up when the local welcoming committee put in an appearance.

Three shop owners who had been keeping an eye on me most of the day planted themselves in front of my table.? They informed me that they didn?t like me, they weren?t sure but that I had done something bad to Muhammed, that street vending was against the local zoning laws and why didn?t I just go back to where I?d come from?

I countered with the fact that the only thing I?d done to Muhammed was pay for his vacation, that I didn?t think giving things away could be classed as vending and that in any case going back to where I?d come from was exactly what I had been about to do before they interrupted me.

I then offered them a deal.? If they?d agree to talk to me while I packed up, I?d not only leave, but I?d never come back.

Reasonableness in the face of belligerence is like emotional judo.? They?d been expecting an argument or a fight–probably looking forward to it as the most exciting thing to happen in their whole shopkeeper day–and now they had no place to go with the pent up adrenaline-testosterone cocktail that was coursing through their systems.? If they hung around I just might give them an excuse to let it out.

They agreed.? I introduced myself and Ibrahim, Yussef and Magwan introduced themselves.? I told them I was engaging in a bit of political activism?something they ought to know all about (this section of the city had been one of the centers of protest following the war).? I explained all about the surveillance cameras, their lack of privacy and their loss of freedom.

Ibrahim got in my face.? English was not his native tongue. ?You stupid man. Stupid, stupid man. Camera good.? Keep thief away. Mask for bad people.? Good guy white hat.? Bad guy mask.?

This declaration was forcefully delivered in stoccatto fashion, complete with thrust forward face and a shower of flying spittle.? His fellow street watchers nodded in agreement.

?Ever hear of the Lone Ranger?? He was a good guy that wore a white hat and a mask.? Know why he wore a mask?? Because he didn?t want the bad guys to know who he was.? Ever hear of Zorro?? He was another good guy who wore a black bandana and a mask.? Know why he wore a mask?? To protect the innocent and so the bad guys wouldn?t know who he was.?

I pointed across the street to a couple of stoop-shouldered older women in full fundamentalist regalia, black robes, hijab and all.? ?Are they bad guys?? I asked.

My shopkeeper friends turned their heads.? One of them barked a short laugh.? Another said ?They are not guys.? They have no masks.?

?They?re wearing veils,? I said, ?They cover their faces and you can?t see who they are.? It?s the same thing.? If it weren?t the same thing, the government wouldn?t make them take off the veils for official photos.? They wear veils for modesty and chastity, right??

I got affirmative nods in response to this.

?Do you think those old crones are wearing those veils because they believe that seeing faces will you want to have your way with them??

They shuddered collectively.?

?Are they the local gang of thieves, hiding behind their veils and stealing from innocent shopkeepers like you and then sneaking away to their thief?s den to cackle over their booty??

They shook their heads no.

?So, you see, not everyone who wears a mask ? or a veil ? is automatically a bad guy, or even an old lady.?

No response.? Well, at least they were still listening.

I said, ?You guys can?t tell me that you trust the government.? Not after what you all went through.?

Spittle thrower went back at it. ?Trust family. Trust no other. Government ? pfah!?

He looked around suspiciously.? No one else seemed to be paying attention. Old habits die hard.

?Yeah, Government ? pfah!? I said.? ?Pfah! Pfah! Pfah!? That felt good.? I picked one of the masks up from the table. ?See this?? If you wore one out on the street, it?s like saying ?pfah!? to the government all of the time.?

A glimmer, just a glimmer of consideration passed across their faces.? I?d consider that a victory.? Shopkeepers have a lot to protect and little incentive to rock the boat.? They might not have good things to say about the government, but it didn?t mean they were going to risk sticking their necks out.

Ibrahim refocused on his original intent. ?We listen.? You finish now??

All that was left was to fold up the table.? I folded it up and rested it against my leg.? I took the mask I?d been using as a prop and slid it over my head, giving my audience a huge smile as I did.

??Sure.? Thanks for listening.? I stuck out my hand and shook each of theirs in turn.? ?You just remember that we all say Pfah! to the government and not everyone who wears a mask is a bad guy.?

I picked up the table and the box of masks and started walking off down the street, heading for home.? I left Ibrahim and friends in a puzzled knot at the corner.

The mask I wore was Abe Lincoln and no matter where you come from or what your native tongue might be, Abe is a standout in the honesty and trust department.

All the way home I caught glances, second-takes, full-on stares and watched folks stutter-step as they adjusted their courses to avoid me.? I was a real head-turner and enjoyed every second of it.? Folks who gave me the cold shoulder I stuck my tongue out or made faces at?not that they could see it.? The head-turners got my own head turned, to follow them until they looked away.

I had a hell of a time.? Masks can give you freedom in more ways than one.? Anonymity removes the shackles of social convention; I could be anyone, do almost anything and feel free of the consequences.

I made sure to stop in front of every single camera along the way.

? Once home I wrote up my experiences and posted them and then I got busy contacting a bunch of friends and acquaintances.? We put together a website, tapped some financial resources, recruited fellow travelers, set up local chapters of activists and opened accounts with mask suppliers.

I had to take the following day off also.

Things went slowly for the next week or so.? I picked different areas of the city to ply my new trade, picking up a supporter or two here and there, taking verbal and almost physical abuse on a few occasions.? The websites were doing well and enthusiasm was high from folks who didn?t actually have to do anything except type on a keypad.? I was beginning to think that the whole thing was going to tank when I decided to give the campus at the local university a try.

I hit it on Friday afternoon and was out of masks by dinnertime.? I went back on Saturday and got rousted by the University police almost before I could get the table set up.? All well and good; I?d already found the mother lode.? I should have known. College students.

I put the word out over the net.

It wasn?t but a few months had gone by that there was a strong cadre of maskers in any city of consequence worldwide.? The idea of doing something completely legal that confounded the authorities had a wide and ready appeal.? A few small news items had begun to appear?local color pieces?and we were fortunate that the tone was one of amusement rather than annoyance.? The authorities had so far refrained from taking overt action as we weren?t a big enough nuisance yet.?

Our presence on the web was growing exponentially.? Retail sites offering masks, social networks, forums, custom mask designers, mask swap sites.? I got an email from a guy who was cataloging camera locations in our city. He told me that he could use public access cameras, satellite imagery, on-site imagery, GPS and some algorithms he?d cooked up to plot the areas of coverage of any given camera.? He showed me how he could plot all of that information onto a street map graphic–in 3D even?so that you could see all the spots that were covered by a camera.

I pointed out to him that if you could tell what the cameras were looking at, you could also tell what they weren?t looking at.? We got together for a meal. I wore Che, he wore a puppy dog.? After getting our food at a fast food joint, we walked a few blocks to an unwatched spot and took off our masks so we could stuff our faces. ?We both think it was the first time a meal and a meeting consciously took place in a void.

I offered the term void, he countered with blind.? Both phrases are still in use today, but it seems like his is winning out.

In either case, we laid the foundation for Surveillance Phreaking that day and they?ve been a strong ally of the Maskers ever since.

It was a little while after that meeting that an old friend looked me up.? Bill Richards, my number two convert from that street corner in front of Muhammed?s Tea Shop, sent an email to one of the Masker sites looking for the guy who started everything.? After a flurry of discussion regarding the origin of masking (not to mention a huge mess of off-topic asides) it got forwarded to me.? After I?d responded, I ended up with an invite to a ritzy office building downtown.

When I entered the building I caught some guff from the security guard at the front desk.? Apparently he had a problem with Teddy Roosevelt.? I told him I had an appointment. If he didn?t want to let me in, he could explain to Timmothy Richards why I wasn?t there.

He told me not to move and that he?d check with Mr. Richard?s secretary.? I moved as I said ?Bully? and waited.

Mr. Richard?s secretary must have inquired as to the identity of their visitor, since the guard asked me who I was.? I answered ?President Theodore Roosevelt at your service.?

Upon being informed of this answer and the fact that I was wearing a TR mask, the secretary must have told him to let me in.? He reluctantly did, mumbling something unflattering about weirdoes as I passed by on my way to the elevators.? ?Maybe,? I said ?but he was right, you know.? See, I?m walking softly and that was my Big Stick you were just talking to on the telephone.?

That guard probably still isn?t a big fan of maskers. I didn?t even have time to exit the elevator car before Bill Richards was grabbing my hand and giving me the ?we?re so happy to see you speech?.? ?It is you Sam, right? He asked anxiously.?

?Any cameras in here?? I countered.

?Oh no.? Tim wouldn?t allow it.? He?s pretty big on the whole personal freedom thing.? You and he are going to get along great.?

I took Teddy off and looked around as Bill led me past another receptionist?s desk–this one?s occupant was a lot nicer to look at?-behind which was a large faux steel logo announcing the existence of T. Richards & Associates.? The reception area was well appointed in late modern industrial chic.? The carpet on the floor was pretty plush.? From the looks of it the company was doing pretty well, whatever it did.

Bill was still doing the introduction thing, telling me all about how he?d worn that werewolf mask all the way back to the office where he?d played the lecherous office wolf the rest of the day.? ?Funny thing was, all the girls went along with the gag, flirting with me a lot more than they ever had before.? We all had a heck of a time.? Tim heard all the commotion and I had to explain the whole thing to him, about what you were trying to do, protesting the cameras and all, and he got a good laugh out of it.? Then, about a week ago he asked me if I knew how to get in touch with you.? I?ve kinda been keeping up with the whole mask thing on the web so I told him I could and you got my email and here we are.? And here we are,? he finished as he led me into a large meeting room.

I looked around. A large polished oak meeting table, deep cushioned reclining office chairs, a sideboard with tea and coffee fixings and the whole thing wired for video conference with one wall a single gigantic screen.

?Have a seat? Bill said.? ?Tim?ll be here in a minute.? Want some coffee?? Its Kenyan.?

??Sure,? I said as I sat down in one of those chairs.? Pretty nice.? Easy to take a nap in.? I wondered how anyone got anything done sitting in one of those things.? Meetings here probably went on a long time, just so everyone could keep on sitting.? I pointed this out to Bill who was busy fixing up the coffee.

?Oh no, ha-ha.? Tim doesn?t mess around.? If you?re sitting in one of those chairs, your time is his money and he doesn?t make any bones about reminding you of it.? He hardly spends any time in here at all, except with guests.? Here you go,? he said as he handed me a company mug.? He took a sip from his own and nodded, then looked at his watch.? ?He should be here any minute.?

I sipped too.? It was pretty good coffee.? At least the trip hadn?t been wasted.

?So Bill, what?s this all about?? You were pretty obscure in your emails.?

?Well, I?m just here for the meet and greet, since I already know you, but I don?t think I?d be out of line if I told you that Tim??

The door to the conference room opened and in stepped a man who couldn?t be anyone other than Bill?s older brother.? He had successful-business-man-confident-go-getter stamped all over him.? Tailored but not too expensive suit, professional haircut with a touch of distinguished gray at the temples, manicured fingernails, a close shave and an erect posture.? He smiled at me and stuck out his hand.? ?Samuel Paine, sometime former President of the United States I presume??

I?d stood up as he?d entered.? We shook hands–he had a shake that was probably patented under the title of ?Trust and Confidence Building Hand Shake?.

I followed with ?and professional troublemaker.? The enigmatic Timothy, I presume??

?None other. Willy, I see you?ve given our guest coffee and made him comfortable.? You are comfortable, Sam?? Good. Willy, I believe you have some things to attend to??

Willy affirmed this supposition and made his goodbyes.? It was obvious that he wanted to stay and equally obvious that he wasn?t welcome to.? Tim turned back to address me.

?Sam, I have to say, I?m pretty impressed with this little guerilla campaign you?ve got going.? You?ve got a widespread presence in the States and a growing following overseas, you?re all over the net, I?m seeing signs that the authorities are starting to get nervous and news coverage is becoming a regular thing.?

Tim seemed to be taking way too much interest for an obviously staid and upstanding member of the establishment, but it couldn?t hurt to find out where this was all going.

?Thanks? I said.? ?So what?s your interest??

Tim finally sat down?at the head of the table?placed both his hands down in a power move and leaned towards me in what I can only assume was his best let?s get down to business pose and said ?I think there?s a lot of money to be made from what you?re doing and I want to help you cash in.?

Ahh.? The soft sell.? After I?d gotten to know Tim a lot better I learned that it was just Tim being Tim. At the time he came across as smarmy businessman.? I was on my guard.? ?How so??? I leaned back and put one leg up on the table?casual, uncaring and comfortable to counter his aggressive posture.? It didn?t seem to phase him.

?Sam, I don?t think you realize what you?ve started.? He put his hand up to forestall my protest and continued. ?I don?t mean the politics.? I?m sure you?ve got a good idea of what you?ve created there.? I mean the sales.? Do you realize that your little campaign has almost single-handedly turned Halloween into a yearlong holiday?? They?ve been trying to do that with Christmas and Valentine?s Day for decades!? Along comes Sam Paine and POOF!, mask sales are up 1300 percent and are into significant numbers every month for the past five months running!? Did you realize that??

Tim wasn?t just pitching.? He was actually excited.? And no, I hadn?t realized that.? In fact I?d been using what little savings I had to keep myself going and eating was starting to get a little thin.

?No, I hadn?t realized that.? I?ve been concentrating on spreading the word and protesting those surveillance cameras.? What I?ve been doing hasn?t been about money.?

Tim smiled.? ?See, that?s where I can help.? I?ve got money and I know how to make more.? Your thing is surveillance cameras.? MY thing is making money.? I don?t think anyone else has figured out what?s going on. When I see an opportunity to get in on the ground floor of something new and big, I jump.? What you?ve got going is new and it?s going to be big?I can sense it.? But there?s one problem.?

I was still trying to figure out if he was really sincere or trying to take advantage of a sucker, so I bit.? ?And what?s that, Tim??

?I need legitimacy.? You?ve got a social movement going on here and if I just jumped in your people would see it for what it was: a sales ploy.? But if I have you on board, the founding father of this whole movement, and if we do things the right way–I?ll rely on you to tell me what that is-?why, we can help out your cause and make money at the same time!?

Tim was saying the right things and, as time would tell, he actually followed through with them.? He was sincere enough, and smart enough, to realize that if he wanted to make money off of what I?d started, he really did need to be in line with the politics of the movement.

We talked for more than an hour.? By the end of that time I?d agreed in principle to join forces with him.? I was going to be given a major stake in the company, a deciding vote on policy and a job with salary.? Tim invited me to pick any title I wanted to go along with the job description I would write for myself.? That?s when we came up with Chief Troublemaker and the Machiavelli Department.? I?d be responsible for raising hell, furthering the cause and creating political mayhem.

Tim was going to plow a lot of money and expertise into the creation of a chain of stores that would actually be campaign offices.? Every single one would be located in a blind, there?d be no surveillance on the premises and each one would feature a coffee shop and reading room. Web access and cable too, just so everyone could keep an eye on things.

Everything went pretty much as planned for the next several months and then we caught a big break.? Some cop who had apparently paid his way through the psych evaluation rousted a Masker.? Who just happened to be an attorney.? We were hoping for some confrontations with the police, but it couldn?t have worked out any better if we had planned it.

Laurence P. Scott Esq. had been taking a day.? Rather than golf or sailing or playing gardener, L. P. Scott Esq., preferred slumming as his chosen form of decompression.? Hanging with the real people helped him put his days of ambulance chasing, threat-letter writing and class-action annoyance suits behind him.? He really was a personal injury lawyer of the worst kind.? Of the best kind as far as we were concerned.

We?ll probably never know exactly what it was that had set Corporal Alvin Sycorick, former upstanding member of the Municipal Police Department, off that day.? His membership in a profession that involves the right to carry a gun and tell other people what to do might have something to do with it. Maybe it was the Jeffrey Dahmer mask Scott was wearing that day.? Maybe it really was Sycorick?s confessed frustration at trying to locate a shoplifter in a crowd of Maskers.

Regardless of the reasons, Sycorick and partner began indiscriminately ripping the masks off of everyone in the vicinity of the shoplifting incident until they came to Laurence P. Scott, Esq.? Attorney Scott stood on his Constitutional rights.? Sycorick ripped his mask off and arrested him. For interfering with a police investigation.

Naturally the entire incident was captured on camera.

It might have passed unnoticed as one of many such incidents that were beginning to become commonplace until Sharon brought it to my attention. A small news item reported that the victim in this case was an attorney who was now suing Sycorick, his partner, the Municipal Police Department, the City, the store where the shoplifting incident occurred, the owner?s of the building renting the store space, the construction company that had built the sidewalk where he was assaulted and even the accused shoplifter.

Sharon got a promotion and a raise.? I went and talked to Tim.

Tim?s cadre of legal scholars reached out and touched attorney Scott.? On the Machiavelli side, I got the PR campaign going full swing ? blogs, opinion pieces, humorous video vignettes, nasty political cartoons.

The case against Laurence P. Scott Esq., was thrown out in Municipal court.? This failed to have the desired effect of getting Scott to drop his own suits.

His case was based on violation of civil rights, simple assault and attempted rape, which was about the closest thing we could find that covered forcing someone to disrobe in public.?

These things take a while.? Motions to determine if the case is a good one.? Motions to determine if the right court is being used.? Motions to determine if the case is being brought by the right people.? Motions to determine if the right people are in the right court. Motions to dismiss or throw out or suppress this, that or the other thing.

In the meantime, we egged the authorities on with an unrelenting attack on Corporal Sycorick and the police department.? The rape charge let us refer to him as an ?alleged rapist?. You know the press.? ?Bad Cop? and ?Rapist? is just too juicy a lead to ignore.? After a very short while, Sycorick stopped making public statements.

Not that the police weren?t responding effectively. The City?s AG issued an interpretation of City Code that presumably allowed the police to unmask ?anyone who might be involved in illegal activity, acting in a suspicious manner or who were proximate to the commission of a crime such that they might serve as material witnesses?.? The fact that this covered just about everyone wearing a mask did not go unheeded by the police department.

Fortunately someone cut a mask in half and taped it back together with Velcro.? Once that little trick spread the number of wrenched necks and whiplash cases was reduced tremendously.?

The cameras recorded hours of police demanding that masks be removed, countered by citizen?s demands that the cops remove their wraparound sunglasses.? We encouraged the street tactic of surrounding the cops with a crowd of maskers chanting ?take off your glasses, put on a mask!?.?

L. P. Scott?s case wound its way through the state court system.? He settled with the city on the assault charges but continued to press the Constitutional ones.? We held a party the day the case was filed with the Federal Courts.

On appeal, the case wound its way up through the Federal system.? When it made it onto the Supreme Court docket we introduced a line of Justice masks that sold like the proverbial hotcakes.? We were hoping that some DC cop would mistake a real Justice for a masker, but we weren?t that lucky.? The fact that we were responsible for turning the Supreme Court Justices into rock stars didn?t hurt any and just might help.? I spent most of my time encouraging political cartoonists, offering commentary and watching the calendar.? I was hoping for April ? the weather would be turning warmer by then ? and I got my wish.? They?d scheduled us for oral arguments on April 23^rd .? And now the decision was at hand.

Sharon stuck her head in my office with a huge anticipatory grin on her face.? ?Andy?s on line one?, she said.

I nodded to her, then took a deep breath and let it out slowly.? Andy was our lead attorney and a more ornery, contrary, argumentative, sly, slick-fox of a helluva nice guy was not to be had anywhere this side of the Milky Way galaxy.? He?d liked my plan but had cautioned me that it was going to be a long shot to pull it off. Fortunately, he liked long shots ? ?although there?s a part of me that sort of wishes it won?t work?, he?d said, ?I?m kind of used to three-piece suits.?

?I?d tried to set this thing up as a heads-I-win, tails-you-lose campaign and now I?d get to see if I was deserving of my title.

I motioned for Sharon to come on in and take a seat.? It would be nice to share the glory if we?d won and a comfort to have her there if we?d lost.? I hit the button for line one and turned the speaker on.

?Hey Andy! So, what?s the news??

Andy cleared his throat and made me suffer as he gathered his thoughts.? ?Well, it?s like this.? We didn?t win ? but we didn?t lose either.?

?Okay,? I said.? ?So stop enjoying the anticipation already and give me the details.?

I could hear paper rustling as Andy went down through his notes.? He always liked making me squirm.? ?You want the long version or the summary??

?Andy, you?re an asshole.?? He laughed.? ?Okay, the short version.

?We started out by stating clothing was a form of expression and that there was no practical or discernable difference between wearing a mask and wearing a pair of sunglasses.? We pointed out that in most respects, clothing was entirely optional.? They jumped on that, citing decency laws and we countered that with our argument that we were dealing with privacy issues here and that there were numerous examples of an elastic definition of decency ? the beach where some people wear string bikinis and others wear street clothes; wet t-shirt contests, Mardi Gras parades.? I got the boxers or briefs question in at that point ? asked them if their robes were necessary for the rendering of judgment and then pointed out that it was their choice whether or not to go public on the underwear question. Johnson turned pretty red ? I think he was free-ballin.

?That got a couple of laughs.? Then they brought up the ?veil and ID card? question and asked why that wasn?t a statement in favor of the government?s right to exercise some control over clothing when it had a compelling interest to do so.

?At that point we?d gotten at least one of the things you asked for ? the recognition that masks are clothing.? We responded that in every such case the scope was extremely limited and, in fact, none took place in an arena that private citizens were compelled to participate in.? That Muslim woman in New Jersey didn?t have to have a driver?s license. You don?t have to buy your milk at the convenience store that demands a shirt and shoes for entry.

?Then we hit them with the fact that people are under no compulsion to cooperate with government surveillance, that they have a right to privacy and that ? your words here, Sam ? even in public where there is no expectation of privacy, individuals can selectively maintain it, such as papers in their briefcases or their gonads with clothing.

?I thought we?d turned the corner when I pointed out that society in fact compels a degree of privacy with various no nudity in public statutes ? especially in the public square.? I told them I wasn?t aware of any case in which a representative of the State could force someone to disrobe in public. Hang on a second, I need a drink?.?

I could hear Andy sucking something down and took a sip of my coffee too.? Sharon leaned in and whispered ?Is he ever going to finish? This is killing me.? and I whispered back ?If we don?t let him do his thing we?ll be here forever.?

Andy started back up again ?They questioned me again on the ?masks as clothing? thing and I was able to bring up the veils and ski masks and whatnot, pointing out that, like all clothing, it was optional except in special circumstances, completely governed by taste and, with the exception of modesty ? which in itself was highly elusive and subjective ? there was no legal basis for compelling someone to wear or not wear something.? We talked about school uniforms and banned clothing, but of course, again, those are narrowly defined circumstances.

?I finally got to the second point then and threw the ?community standards? thing at them; nude in one community is modest, wearing shoes in a mosque isn?t.? And they agreed with the contention, but they wimped out in the written opinion.

?So here?s what it comes down to: masks are clothing, modesty, in terms of clothing is subject to community standards, but the authorities have the right ? in limited circumstances ? to compel a citizen to remove their clothing.? They compared it to asking someone to roll up a sleeve to reveal a tattoo.? So there you go.? We did our best, but they weren?t about to make the Feds dismantle the entire surveillance system.? I think it?s about as good an outcome as we could have expected, Sam.?

?Thanks Andy.? You did great.? I just have one question.?

I could hear the relief in his voice.? ?Sure, what??

?Community standards.? I just want to be sure I?m on solid ground here.? They?re self-defined, right?? What the community decides is ok becomes the standard, right??

?Well, yeah, within reason.? You can?t justify eating babies just because everyone else is doing it, but short of that, and theoretically mind you, yes.?

?Okay.? Thanks again Andy.? I think you know what?s coming next, so my suggestion to you is, take a nice vacation or start drinking heavily, or maybe both.?

Andy laughed raucously.? ?Sure thing Sam.? You be careful ? don?t catch a cold.?

We said out goodbyes. I looked at Sharon and cocked an eyebrow.

She smiled a crooked smile.? ?Oh what the heck.? When you told me what you?d had in mind I agreed, so what the heck.?? She stood up and started getting undressed.

I followed suit. Pretty soon we were both naked, excepting socks and shoes.? Sharon looked me up and down a couple of times and whistled. She wasn?t bad looking at all. ?We need to get sandals.?? I nodded, and we both laughed.

I stepped out into the main office.? Sharon followed me. ?Okay everyone, listen up!? Its time for project X!?? There were a few squeals and a general shocked reaction.? Most everyone stopped in their tracks.? It was so quiet you could hear the printers going.

?I picked up my Abe Lincoln mask and put it on.? Tim came out of his office, looked at everyone staring at Sharon and I, followed their eyes across the office to where we stood and smiled.? ?Project X??, he asked.? I nodded.

?All right everyone. Get your masks and get undressed.? You all got the memo. It?s time to set some new community standards.? I can?t make you do it, but I?ll give a bonus to anyone who does and I can sure as heck find a reason not to pay you anymore if you don?t.?? Tim walked across the office to stand next to me and started peeling his clothes off.? ?Safety in numbers, huh?? he grinned at Sharon while looking her up and down.? ?Remind me to remind Sam to give you another raise.?

Sharon put on Betty Boop.? ?That raise and a harassment suit will make me an independent woman.? She giggled a Betty Boop giggle to show she didn?t mean it.? Meanwhile, most everyone else in the office was shucking their clothes and having a pretty good time doing it.

Tim cast his eye over the crowd. ?Looks like they?re ready. You set to face the music Sam??

I looked out through Abe?s eyes. The office was quite a sight; naked people of every conceivable variety. Short and fat, tall and skinny, hairy as an ape, smooth as a baby?s bottom, bushy and sculpted pubic regions and an interesting variety of body piercings.? Topped off by a bewildering variety of masks ? actors and actresses, politicians, movie monsters, cartoon characters.? Even though it was my idea, it was going to take a little getting used to.

?Sure. If they?re going to force us to disrobe on command, we?re going to save them a whole heck of a lot of trouble. Let?s go show ?em that clothes don?t make the man ? community standards do.?

We walked out of the office, staff following along behind, laughing, giggling, and muttering about their reputations. We headed down the stairs to meet the gathering Press.

So it had worked.? Far better than I could have had any right to expect.? Even the scheduling had worked out. The warming weather was going to be a big plus. While cold air can have a positive and pleasing effect on certain parts of the female anatomy, it often has the opposite effect on certain parts of the male anatomy. I took a quick look down just to make sure, and relaxed.?

My personal pride is one thing, but it definitely wouldn?t help our cause if the Press started referring to me as ?Shorty? Paine.